I Wasn't Listening, But I Wanted to Be...

The following was originally published in the August 29, 2013 edition of the Central Virginian newspaper.

   I actually said that to Sarah one day not too long ago.  There was this pause in her soliloquy, and that was an indication, one that all men know, a pause that suggests a question has been asked and an answer is expected.  See, that's the thing, we guys tend to turn dialogues into soliloquies.  We kind of drop out of conversations, but that's because we simply can not multitask when it comes to live interaction with someone.  I can text, email, watch TV, and have thirteen games of Words with Friends going at once; but I can't seem to keep up my end of a conversation while there's a commercial for Justified on TV.

   So, back to the issue at hand, I could have given Sarah some sort of canned answer.  I could have said, "yes..." (this, in response to a question that wasn't a yes or no question is disastrous, incidentally, like Titanic-hitting-the-iceberg disastrous) ; or I could have just blurted out, "eleven!" when it wasn't a math question, or I wasn't asked to find the value of X.

   So, after carefully considering my options (if I'd been listening as carefully to the conversation, none of this would even be necessary), looked deep into Sarah's (amazing) eyes, and finally said..."I wasn't listening, but I wanted to be."  She looked quizzically at me for a moment, then smiled and burst out laughing at me.  It was then that I realized I'd been holding my breath; I mean, really you know, this could have gone either way for me, but I was far more interested in being honest than in trying to guess what might have been said.  And, of course, she's amazing and can laugh at the things that make me so...unusual, I guess is the word.

   But while I'm here, let me say something universally...sometimes, women stare deeply at the fella there with and ask wistfully, "what are you thinking?"  Sometimes the question is exploratory in nature, sometimes it's a carefully-laid trap.  

   Now, when the answer from the guy is, "nothing," that is very often true.  But, rarely is it satisfactory.  "Nothing," is often heard as "I'm-hiding-my-thoughts-from-you."  Sometimes, maybe, but not generally. 

   A lot of times, "nothing," quite literally means "nothing."  We're staring at the TV, but couldn't tell you what we just watched.  You want to know what it's like?  Here's a simile men and women can both get:  It's like when you're reading a book and you realize that you need to reread the page because you have no idea what you just read.  What were you thinking about?  You don't always know, do you?

   Sometimes we're just not thinking, our brain is doing a soft reset; we're defragmenting our hard drive; clearing our desktop.  Other times, the things we're thinking are so outlandish that we're terrified to share them with you, ladies.  I mean, if I'm wondering if I can train the dog to fetch the remote control or build a toilet into my recliner, I'm NOT going to reveal that in a "penny for your thoughts" moment with anybody.  (Sometimes we don't want to share our ideas until we patent them, that flushing recliner is a great idea, right?)  

   Other times, we're just ignoring you.  Sorry.  It's not about you, it's just us.  

   On rolls the wagon...I think...I'm not paying attention.  Thanks for riding shotgun.