Thursday, August 15, 2013

More distracting than texting and driving...

First Published in The Central Virginian newspaper on 11/07/13.

   I was heading down the road one morning, my appointed rounds fresh in my mind and I saw it in my mirror...it was a new Chevy Camaro SS, silver with black trim, dual exhaust (an assumption, but all the SS models have dual exhaust, I figured), hood scoop, and a pinstripe that makes you realize why someone first looked at a car and said, "a stripe, not too big, not too small, right down the side...yes, yes, I think so."  The Camaro hurtled past m, seemingly angry that its 400 plus horses were being restrained to under 70 miles an hour, its dual exhaust ( I was right) giving guttural voice to its disdain for the laws of men.

   Then, I saw it...and I realized that, perhaps it wasn't an arbitrary limit to speed the muscle car was seeking to escape, but this assault on the history of the automobile...an airbrushed mosaic of skulls that stretch from one end of the rear bumper to the other.  Like (as a friend put it) an automotive tramp stamp, the skulls adorned the rear of this new piece of American Awesome, which, itself, is art...it doesn't need this garish display to make it more attractive.  In fact, it made it less so.  Sure, it attracted attention, but so does a traffic stop; and not because the flashing blue lights are pretty.

   I started noticing other cars and trucks over the next few days that also had some sort of personalized paint scheme or parts (we're not talking a few bumper or window stickers here) and was amazed at some of what I saw.  There were the classic rims and spinners (I must admit, when I see a set of spinning rims on a car that cost more that said car, I laugh like I'm watching Duck Dynasty, and also think about the fact that those are pretty tired by now, folks) and the fake adhesive vents (I have no idea why those sell, but they do), and the chrome flashing trim installed along baseboards and over gas caps.  The amount of personalization out there is befuddling.

   Now, I say that as someone who did some tournament fishing for several years and put a personalized paint scheme on his Dodge Ram the included an American flag motif in camouflage, fishing decals, sponsor decals, the website for my dad's wholesale synthetic oil dealership, and the name of the tournament trail with which I fished and for which I later worked.  We used to park the truck at spots to mark turns for out-of-town anglers (yep, it was a moving landmark).  Of course, I had that paint job done for a reason, to get and keep sponsors interested.  I don't know that the owner of the Camaro was seeking the sponsorship of the dead (though in this era of the Walking Dead and Twighlight, who knows?).

   What motivates so much personalization?  There are probably as many answers to that as there are fake bullet hole decals sold (another thing about which the commercial success I wonder).  It's not as simple as "overcompensating" or meeting some overall need.  For some people it's the need to fit in; for some it's the need to express themselves; for some it's the need to be seen, like their car's a giant highlighter and they're the item upon which needs to be focused.  Again, who knows?  Of course, if you have seat covers with Looney Toons or Disney characters on them, that's about you; and you should see somebody with professional training before it's too late.

   On rolls the wagon; and there's a South of the Border sticker on it.  Thanks for riding shotgun.

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